Question: Everything is going fine until Baby decides to make poopies during the middle of dinner. Should you?
(a) Finish feeding, then change diaper
(b) Change diaper, then finish feeding
(c) Forget feeding, throw up on high chair
(d) Go hide in basement until help arrives
The answer is (a). Part of being "parental unit number two" means trying harder. Therefore, (c) and (d) are unacceptable options. With (b), you run the risk of premature poopulation which could be traumatic as well as unacceptable.
Question: Your wife is working; Baby is six-months-old and suddenly starving.
After frantic searching, you find not an ounce of baby food in the house.
Should you?
(a) Thaw out a nice T-Bone
(b) Put screaming infant in car; hurry to grocery store
(c) Jog to neighborhood day care center and beg for Gerber's
(d) Cower in the playpen and wait for a reply to your sobbing voice mail
The answer is (b). Answers (a), (c), and (d) are simply too slow in this situation.
Question: Feeding time is proceeding smoothly until Baby viciously grabs
spoon, causing you to stuff fruit up his/her nose. Should you?
(a) Call a plumber
(b) Ask Baby how he/she likes them apples
(c) Search bathroom for ear syringe
(d) Continue feeding as if nothing happened
The answer is (d). Although a good idea, (a) is just too expensive. (b) is an honest response, but not a very mature one. (c) would be the wrong tool for the job. (d) is the poised approach since babies are used to having food matter stuck in every orifice.
Question: Your eleven-month-old is laughing uncontrollably because he/she
just spit Spaghetti-O's all over your new argyle sweater. Should you?
(a) Compliment Baby on his/her terrific sense of humor
(b) Smile and say, "Gee, thanks for sharing"
(c) Be glad your sweater has an argyle pattern
(d) Cram a bib in his/her mouth and start laughing yourself
The
answer is all of the above. Psychologically speaking, answers (a) and
(b) promote positive behavior, while answer (d) does a good job reinforcing
the sense of humor concept in answer (a). (c) is just good common sense.
Question: You feel terrible because you just burned Baby's tongue after
forgetting to test bottle temperature and he/she is shrieking in pain.
Should you?
(a) Turn up stereo so the neighbors won't hear
(b) Apologize to Baby and plead for forgiveness
(c) Offer him/her a frosty mug of Heineken
(d) Ignore infant, knowing he/she will seek revenge sooner or later
The answer is (c). Answer (a) is purely inconsiderate; (b) is a complete
waste of time. (c) is correct because not only do most babies love beer,
but it may help him/her forget what happened. Answer (d) is a good choice
and also very true—but (c) is still smarter.
Question: Home from work after a mind-numbing commute, you stride into
the breakfast nook where Aunt Mildred is spooning up chocolate mousse
to your offspring. Should you?
(a) Congratulate Auntie on ruining your Anniversary Dinner dessert, then smile and ask her to extend her 10-day visit
(b) Splatter a handful of chocolate on the old bag's cheek, quickly swipe "NO" on it with your index finger
(c) Tear the crystal dessert goblet from her hands and scream, "That's MINE—back off you old biddy!"
(d) Bend down, go nose-to-nose with Baby for a good, long stare. Announce now is the time to learn the concept of sharing
The
answer is (a). Answer (b) would obviously waste more of a good thing.
(c) is not worthy of you—too violent and adolescent. (d)? Well, the
concept of (d) has appeal when you look at it on paper, but your offspring
will only listen to "sharing" advice for one 24-hour period between the
age of 7 and 8 years. Don't waste your breath now. (a) is right because
it will throw Aunt Mildred off balance, plus it uses reverse psychology—always
a great tool.
Question: You turn the kitchen corner and discover your eight-month-old
feasting from the beagle's bowl. Should you?
(a) Stop feeding the dog and remove the temptation
(b) Stop feeding Baby since his/her diet is nutritionally complete
(c) Acknowledge Baby's preference and switch from Gerber to Gravy Train
(d) Have infant's warming dish engraved with "Snoopy"
The answer is none of the above. The mature father will realize this question
was invented strictly for a cheap laugh. Besides, any parent knows when
it comes to pet products, babies are primarily attracted to used kitty
litter.
all rights reserved
Question: One Saturday in March you're feeding your beautiful bambino while watching the NCAA basketball tournament. A commercial comes on, you lovingly glance at Baby and notice his/her skin has turned a frightening shade of orange. Should you?
(a) Chuckle and say, "I told your mom we should have named you Spalding."
(b) Start patting Baby on the head like you're dribbling through the lane for lay-up
(c) Make a note that Baby won't need a Halloween costume in the fall
(d) Get up and go to the pantry for strained peas, realizing you've unwittingly been feeding the youngster a steady diet of carrots for the past ten weekends
The answer is (d). We all make mistakes, don't we? Perhaps you're fond (a) of the name Spalding, but it was already used in a famous comedy film. Look out for (b)!—Baby's softspot won't permit it. (c) is smart plus thrifty, but it doesn't really solve this problem. You're right, (d) is a slam-dunk for the home team.
Scoring: Test-takers should be awarded
ten points for each correct answer. Then total the score and look for
your rating below.
Pop Quiz on Solo Feeding Score
Official Rating
0...............Shirtless Spectator
10..............Waterboy
20...............Reject
30...............Rookie
40...............Special Teams
50...............Second String
60...............Veteran
70...............All-Pro
80...............LEGEND
END OF TEST$12.75
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Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home: The Tough New 'how-to' for 21st Century Dads
CHAPTER 8 LEANING TOWER OF BABBLE
