'Pop'
Quiz Number Two:
"The Main Event"
Question: Learning to walk, Baby somehow keeps stumbling and smashing his/her head on your brand-new Queen Anne dining group. Should you?
(a) Put furniture in storage, temporarily replacing it with Styrofoam replicas
(b) Put Baby in storage and replace him/her with a Styrofoam replica
(c) Spend many hours (and dollars) installing do-it-yourself "infant guard" vinyl strips
(d) Design a new infant-size roller derby helmet
The answer is (a). This is the shrewd choice because not only will you save your furniture from certain destruction, but when you take it out of storage in twenty years, its value will have appreciated considerably. Forget answer (b), your wife is bound to notice. (c) would take so many man-hours to complete you would have to quit your job (and then you couldn't afford to pay off the furniture debt). Ditto answer (d).
Question: You've had a fun day saving your staggering tyke from multiple disaster. A few minutes before Mommy gets home, Baby mysteriously trips over a ball of lint, crashes into a wall unit, triggering a deadly chain reaction which claims your wife's priceless porcelain doll collection. Should you?
(a) Let the dog in, telling him to lie down near the scene of the crime
(b) Get the dustpan, whisk broom and a very large tube of super-glue
(c) Confess your negligence and beg for mercy
(d) Grab your pillow and blanket and plan to spend the next several nights in the dog's house (that is, if he'll still have you)
The answer is (none of the above). A trick question, to be sure, but perhaps that will help concerned fathers remember the point. You'd have to be a disloyal creep to choose (a) and forever lose the respect of your best friend. How about (b)? Not enough time, sorry. Only a nerd would select (c), causing (d) to follow automatically. No, the correct response for mature fathers is to bury the evidence, check for fingerprints, call the police and insurance companies and tell them you've been robbed.
Question: You and your crawling ten-month-old are alone on a cold winter
day. She keeps pulling up to the hearth, inches from a blazing fire. Should
you?
(a) Put out the fire and turn up the furnace
(b) Go get fire extinguisher from garage, keep it by your easy chair, just in case
(c) Detach smoke alarm from wall and strap it to Baby's back
(d) Tell your child (in a no-nonsense) tone that the colorful flames are hot, and they will fry her little piggy toes if she gets any closer
The answer is (d). (a) is okay, except your gas bill is high enough already. The logic of (b) and (c) may be appealing at first glance; too bad they're based on reaction instead of prevention. However, since warning Baby probably won't work the first ten times, it might be wise to keep (b) and (c) in mind.
(a) Enroll Baby in Broadcasting school
(b) Tell Baby to quit crowding the screen or you'll show 'em up-close what a real brush-back pitch feels like
(c) Look for rope and a roll of duct tape
(d) Scream, "You're outta here!" and escort infant to his/her room
The answer is (b). This is the thoughtful solution because it would help prepare Baby for later encounters in Little League. (a) would require your wife's approval and that takes time. On the other hand, your wife would likely disapprove of (c) if she walks in unexpectedly. Similar to (b), the answer (d) also teaches sound baseball fundamentals, but goes a bit too far.
Question: Reverend Thomas is relaxing in your recliner on a fund-raising
visit. Baby falls at his feet, accidentally spits on his loafers and exclaims,
"Sh_t and Shinola!" Should you?
(a) Jump up and say, "Darn! The parrot's loose again!"
(b) Throw infant a drool rag and order him/her to buff 'em up right
(c) Smile, tilt your head and ask, "Did you say something, reverend?"
(d) Get out your checkbook and fill in triple digits
The answer is, undoubtedly, (d). You can try all the others, (a), (b) and (c), but you may as well cut to the chase and put your money where Baby's mouth is.
Question: You've been trying to teach your thirteen-month-old daughter
to say "Daddy" for six months. One evening, your next-door-neighbor,
Jerry, walks in and Baby rushes to his arms, squealing, "Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy!" Should you?
(a) Hire a private detective
(b) Lie down in the street and wait for a bus
(c) Ask Jerry if he'd like to move in with you
(d) Ask Jerry if he'd like a stuffed doggie up his nose
The answer is (a). Feeling depressed, you might choose (b) as a first reaction, but think of the mess. (c) appears quite generous and sophisticated, but it's simply another messy solution to an already complex problem. Less sophisticated is (d), besides the fact that it would accomplish little. With (a) you're at least trying something constructive.
END
OF TEST
Read Chapter Eight of Keeping the Baby Alive
till Your Wife Gets Home
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Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home: The Tough New 'how-to'
for 21st Century Dads
Question: On your morning off, you and your two-year-old stop by elderly Uncle Bob's and the three of you go for a walk in the park. Wobbly grand uncle and baby nephew, holding hands, trek to the top of a grassy hill. You turn your head, Bob's cane slips on a wet patch and he and Baby tumble head-over-heels to the park benches below. Should you?
(a) Admire Bob's somersault form and ask for the name of his gymnastics instructor
(b) Shout, "Last one to the bottom's a rotten egg!"
(c) Grab Bob's cane, snap it in two over your knee, then check to see if anybody's bones have snapped also
(d) Run up, clap vigorously as you tell them how proud you are—theirs is the most realistic impression of Jack and Jill you've ever seen
The answer is (c). Why not (a)? You're a new parent—you don't have time. (b) injects competition into the scene—unnecessary. (d) is a thoughtful gesture, but the welfare of your kin makes (c) the priority. (You can buy Bob a new cane later.)
Question: You come home late from a hard day at the office and find Aunt
Ethel camped out by the crib, teaching your little boy how to say cute
things like "boo-boo" and "pee-pee." Should you?
(a) Politely state that those words are slightly silly and you'd prefer it if Baby didn't learn them
(b) Inform Auntie that hearing "pee-pee" makes you sick to your stomach, then prove it on her robe
(c) Smack Aunt Ethel in the face and tell her to mind her own business
(d) Say, "Son, the correct usage for those words is 'injury' and 'urinate.' Please make a mental note."
The
answer is, of course, (d). Because answer (a) would cause family friction,
(b) would create a scene and (c) would provoke a lawsuit... (d) is the
only possible alternative.
Question:
It's just you and your offspring on an October evening during the World
Series. Baby is standing by the television, babbling continuously and
blocking the picture. Should you?
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