"Father--Infant Care with Attitude"

Born to Be Wild News-Flash
for New Dads: "Pop" Quiz

Question:
Month Two. You volunteer to cook dinner for your ravenous wife. "Goody!" she says. "I want braised buffalo tongue, rare; pickled pig's feet and bananas, boiled peanuts & goat cheese, anchovy sorbet, and for dessert, chocolate moose." Should you?
(a) Call ahead to the zoo...make sure they have all the ingredients you need for tonight's menu
(b) Say, "Would you like that moose on the rare side, like the buffalo?"
(c) Tell her she should enroll in the Pregnant Chef's Program at Le Cordon Bleu, she's conceived the most brilliant flavor combinations in culinary history
(d) Ask her, "Honey, wait a minute, did you mean mousse with two s's or moose with two o's?"

The answer is... all of the above. I know, this is a rotten, tricky way to start the test, but you have easier questions coming. Speaking of questions, the one thing you can't do is question her choices. Food cravings can't be explained with normal male logic. However, in this case, the progression of (a) through (d) displays masculine power-logic as its best, with (d) being the most important.

Question:
You and Mommy-to-be are at birthing class snuggled on the floor in a nest of pillows and blankets. As the gut-wrenching live-birth video concludes, the guy to your left faints, then slumps toward you, throwing up on your shoes. Should you?
(a) Grab him by the ear, lifting his head off your ankles
(b) Wipe his mouth clean with your pillowcase, then perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
(c) Look over at his wife and say, "You might consider looking for a new coach, ma'am. This guy's a loser."
(d) Smile, look up at his wife and say, "Do you two lovebirds eat at Taco Bell every Wednesday night?"

The answer is... (d). Eliminate (a)--your grip might fail using a slippery, post-puke ear. Let his wife perform (b) if she can stomach it--the man didn't have a stroke; he simply passed out. Why be condescending and judgmental with (c)? No need to anger the birthing gods at any stage of pregnancy. (d) is the friendly choice, showing that you're not only a good sport, but that you possess the detective skills of a modern-day Sherlock Holmes.

Question:
Month Six. One day your wife looks in the bedroom mirror and casually asks, "Honey, do you think I look fat?" Should you?
(a) Pretend you don't hear her
(b) Say, "Absolutely. I would too if I had a big-old belly like that hanging over my shorts."
(c) Say, "Compared to what?"
(d) Say, "I've never seen you look more attractive. After all, there's so much more of you. You look so good you're practically glowing, purple-veined cellulite and all."

The answer is... none of the above. For your sake, I certainly hope you answered this trick question correctly. A few of us might be tempted to choose (a), but Expecting Father Edict Number One is always listen to your wife--no matter how illogical her thought patterns may seem. Logic? She'll tell you what you can do with your logic. Answers (b), (c) and (d) are insanely insensitive--no options for compassionate 21st century dads.

Question:
Your first baby shower is a joyous occasion. With every gift unwrapping you charm the crowd with comments like, "This couldn't be more perfect!" Then, in a momentary lapse over a duplicate audio monitor, you exclaim, "I think we already have one of these!" Immediately, should you?
(a) Crawl under the coffee table
(b) Cackle at the old hens, "Just kidding--can't you tell I'm joking? This is wonderful."
(c) Say to the gift-giver, "How 'bout handing over that receipt so we can get something we really need?"
(d) Slap yourself on the forehead, saying sincerely, "Whoops. Must've been thinking about my ex-wife and that baby shower a few years ago. Sorry. This contraption is great!"

The answer is... (b). At a shower it's vital that you stay focused. Never stop nodding your head, smiling and spewing compliments. Never imply that a gift could be unimaginative or a duplicate. (b), though an imperfect choice, might work. (a) is unmanly and unworthy, (c) is crude and (d) is cruder than crude.

Question:
Late Month Nine. Wintertime. Your dear heart's water breaks at 3:00 a.m. and suddenly you're driving 90 miles an hour to the hospital, running red lights and having a heart attack. She's having major contractions in the backseat. Should you?
(a) Crouch on the floorboard with your hands clasped, crying softly to yourself
(b) Open the window, stick your face out in the frosty air and scream, "You'll never catch me, Coppers!"
c) Glance back and gently inquire, "This wouldn't be false labor, would it, Dear?"
(d) Look at her facial contortions in the rearview mirror, saying, "Listen, if push comes to shove do you think you could put this action on hold for half an hour?"

The answer is... (b). Answer (a) is less than brilliant since you're the pilot of this perilous mission. What would Captain Kirk think? Answers (c) and (d) would only earn you a swift kick to the head, sending you back to the idiocy of (a). On the other hand, (b) lets you release pent-up tension while keeping you alert for the balance of the terror-filled drive.

END OF TEST SCORING
Award yourself ten for each correct answer. If you cheated, award yourself zero. Either way, ratings are 100% official.

BORN TO BE WILD
NEWS--FLASH FOR NEW DADS

Score....................Official Rating
0............................Exposed Plagiarist 10.......................... Unpaid Intern
20.......................... Copy Boy
30...........................Cub Reporter
40...........................Hardboiled Hack
50 ..........................Respected Journalist
60...........................Scud Stud
70...........................Combat Zone Hero
80...........................ANCHORMAN

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CHAPTER 10 "The Ten Commandments of 21st Century Infant Care

The answer is... (d). Looking at the facts, the story here is simple. Only a certified wimp would choose (a) Your computer/her birth plan? No thanks. (b) is creative, but not very persuasive. Answer (c) accomplishes nothing but gets you in a pile of trouble with your spouse. Like a smart reporter, you're sure to have deduced (d) is correct.

Question:
News-Flash! After 13 hours of pacing the hospital halls, your wife is finally 9 centimeters dilated in the transitional phase of labor. You dab her brow gently. Suddenly she clutches your wrist and screams, "Get out of my sight, you scum-bag!" Should you?
(a) Ask her if she would like some more ice chips
(b) Fall on the birthing suite floor in the fetal position, sucking your thumb
(c) Say patronizingly, "Honey--Bunny, I forgive you. It's the drugs and you have no idea what you're saying."
(d) Ask the midwife if she'll call an ExorcistÑyour wife is possessed.

The answer is... (a). Truth is, you must witness transitional labor to know how bizarre it can be. When events spiral out of control, it's best to be calm. Hence, answer (a). This late in the game, there are no fetal positions allowed (even Baby is head--down and looking for daylight), so (b) won't work. (c) will get you labeled a chauvinist pig, and (d) will get the medical staff laughing about the Idiot Dad in Birthing Suite D. Not the legacy you dreamed of.

Question:
Month Eight. After weeks of late-night labor, Baby's room is still far from ready. Your sweetheart begins to panic. You walk in late from a brutal day at the office and find her atop a wobbly stepladder drilling holes for curtain rods. Should you?
(a) Rowdily praise her, "Yes! Let the screwing begin!"
(b) Hint she should stop this insanity by frantically flipping the light switch on and off
(c) Tell her to wait a sec while you wrap her tummy in insulation material so the noise won't disturb Baby
(d) Loosen your necktie and grab a Phillips head--you're screwed and soon to be screwing alone

The answer is... (d). Even rookie dads should nail this multiple choice giveaway. (a)? Empty praise + vulgar little jokes get you nowhere... she's drilling 'cause you weren't there. (b) and (c) could frighten her into falling off the ladder, soon not to be a problem since you're going to take her place after correctly choosing (d).

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