Holy
Moses! The Ten Commandments
of 21st Century Infant Care
In Keeping Your Toddler on Track till Mommy Gets Back, we unveiled the ancient and mystical TEN COMMANDMENTS OF TODDLER TRANTRUMS, unearthed in the ruins of Pompeii by the Clearing Skies Press archaeological team.
Now, we introduce an even more startling discovery from 16th century France, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF 21st CENTURY INFANT CARE. For nearly six hundred years this incredible parchment scroll lay protected inside a leather tube behind a loose brick in the wall of a cottage in Amboise, France.
The infant care commandments are most startling because 1) They exist, 2) They are future-formatted for the 21st century, and 3) They were apparently created by brilliant Italian artist-inventor, Leonardo da Vinci; not that he wasn't a capable man, but he is thought by historians to be gay.
So what would he know about father-infant care in any century? Well, we're not sure, but since Leonardo basically invented and detail-sketched the helicopter, submarine, airplane and automobile five-hundred years ahead of time, we're going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
The Ten Commandments of 21st Century Infant Care
1.
Thou shalt have no other babies before me, and more important, no carefree
adult pursuits after I am among thee.
2. Thou shalt not place images of my birth before frightened workmates just because thy love me, worship me and serve me above all others till the end of thy days.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain though thy tongue be severely tempted every time I giveth thee profound piles of poop and faithful puddles of pee over the next one thousand days & nights.
8. Thou shalt not steal...lo, after the sun goeth down, cherished minutes of quiet and relaxation abetted by adult beverages, as care of me, day and night, requireth the dull, sober faithfulness of a desert camel.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when thy neighbor knoweth thou hast a squalling infant nightly in the pre-dawn time before the sun cometh up.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's childless house, nor covet thy neighbor's cute, babyless wife, as thy cherish thy own wife, tho she be cursed with a surplus of poundage which abideth unto her frame.
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CHAPTER 1 "Birthing Suites Ain't Made for Babies"
4. Remember thy Baby's birth-day (and thy wife's birth-day) and keep both holy forevermore and celebrate both blessed events with lavish gifts to the limits of thy credit-worthiness.
5. As mother and father, thy shalt be honored with ceaseless toil and thy days shalt be long upon the earth, verily, until the blessed day of my college graduation.
6. Thou shalt not kill...even the vast and virulent hordes of relatives who invade your living room, raid your ice box and cast you out of your den and away from your personal computer and television.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery...nor commit any normal, loving act of marital intimacy whilst thy infant be 50 cubits or nearer, for I shalt call out to thee again and again and thy shalt suffer the gravest form of coitus interruptus ad infinitum.
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