Testing Your Talent Aptitude Quiz
Question:
You've
been nervously standing outside the birthing suite door for six hours.
Suddenly your son bursts through, shoves the video camera in your stomach,
shouting "Dad! Time to make movies!" Should you?
(a) Snatch the camera, flip on the strobe light, march to the bed and
bark, "Action on the set!"
(b) Respectfully decline, handing him your daughter-in-law's birth plan
which has no mention of your role as film director
(c)
Say, "Son, I love you to pieces, but I wasn't involved in making
the baby, so I don't intend to be involved in making the movie."
(d) Grab his shirt collar with two fists and gurgle quietly, "My
God, boy, think about what's happening in there—it's time to panic,
not time for movies!""
The answer is... (c). Choosing (a) would risk scaring your wife, the midwife, not to mention your daughter-in-law. (b) isn't necessary unless you're a contract lawyer. (d) exhibits grandpa panic, and you're too cool a customer to let anyone see you like that. Not only is (c) logical, it's very fair-minded. Each to his own, but our opinion at Clearing Skies Press is that love-making and birth-giving are private affairs not meant to be captured on film. Some parents feel differently. If you want to play cameraman, that's up to you, but our best advice is to be a supportive cheerleader on the sidelines.
Question:
It's
dinnertime on due-date day. Grammy's across town at the expecting couple's.
Just as you sit down to your favorite T-Bone steak and all the trimmings,
you get a phone call saying your daughter's in labor and hospital-bound.
Should you?
(a)
Uncork your favorite bottle of Bordeaux and offer your daughter a sincere,
pre-dinner toast
(b) Slice into the gorgeously-grilled T-Bone
(c) Follow each succulent bite with a small, swirled mouthful of the delicious
St. Emillion
(d) Get hysterical, forget the wine, dump all the food in the garbage
can, race to the hospital at illegal speeds on an empty stomach
The answer is... You're right, any answer but (d). If it's your daughter's first baby, you most likely have hours before birth. Plenty of time to enjoy a self-cooked meal in the quiet of your home. Would you rather be tramping down hospital corridors half the night before giving in to warmed-over meatloaf in the third-floor cafeteria? Hardly. You're the family's patriarch. A man who knows the value of composure, logic and a good cut of beef.
Question:
Your
newborn grandson is as bald as a peeled turnip. Your son-in-law holds
him up proudly, laughs, and says, "He looks just like you, Gramps."
Should you?
(a) Spit on your son-in-law
(b) Pass gas loudly, saying, "Bet he can't match that!"
(c) Tell him don't knock it till you've tried it—women love Yul Brynner
and Andre Agassi
(d) Take off your golf hat and cover your grandson's head & face so no
one can see what a skinhead he is
The answer is... (c). You can't select (a) because it's unsanitary, mean-spirited and not allowed in hospitals, birthing suites or baby nurseries. (b) is unsanitary and almost as crude—but it's a good joke to remember when your grandson gets older and you ask him to "pull your finger." Sharing your lucky golf hat (d) is never a good idea. (c) is perfect because it shows your son-in-law you're not an old fart, unlike (b).
Question:
Your
son asks you and Grammy to help out after Grandbaby is born. Delighted,
your wife (with you in tow) sets up shop, commanding the household. Within
hours, she is marching room to room barking orders like Captain Bligh
having a bad day on The Bounty. Should you?
(a) Lie low in the den with the rest of the crew, as far away as possible
from the constant nagging
(b) On the third day, present Grammy with a notarized petition of Legal
Mutiny after canvassing the neighborhood for signatures
(c) Whisper to Grammy confidentially that you're going to change her name
from Grammy to Gulag Granny if she doesn't come to her senses and
act normal
(d) Convince your daughter-in-law to temporarily suspend Grammy's License
to Grandmother
The answer is... In a close call, (b). Each of the answers is workable in this demanding test question. However, (a) is purely passive, a woefully weak response to a deteriorating situation. (c) is clever, yes, but who wants to be clever when your cleverness gets only a quick kick in the groin from your spouse? Choosing (d) goes way too deeply into family politics, forcing your favorite daughter-in-law, a brand-new mother, into an insulting breach of protocol. In contrast, choosing (b) with the entire neighborhood's support, Grammy Bligh must see she's gone overboard.
Question:
Proud of your daughter, the new mommy, you
beg for a spot standing close to her over the changing table. She pulls
the tiny diaper off and your 3-week-old grandson promptly pees in your
face. Should you?
(a) Keep your mouth closed
(b) Blink back tears of joy mixed with the urine
(c) Complain to your daughter, "What's the deal? You never did that."
(d) Run shrieking to the guest bathroom, jumping in the shower with your
clothes on
The answer is... A hanging curveball for your scoring pleasure, (a). Talk about serving up a fat one in the heart of your strike zone! Overly proud and quick to react, you might choose (b) as a celebration of your grandson's maleness and crack shot aim. Unfortunately baby urine just ain't designed to mix with anything. Other bad choices include (c), indicating anatomical ignorance beyond belief, and (d) another overreaction that substitutes humiliation for joy.
END OF QUIZ
THE GRANDDAD DEMO
OFFICIAL SCORE AND RATING
Score....................Official Rating
0............................Tee Ball Dropout 10.......................... Cellar Dweller
20.......................... Little Leaguer
30...........................Minor League Prospect
40...........................Slugger
50 ..........................Ace
60...........................Perennial All-Star
70...........................World Champ
80...........................Hall of Fame LEGEND
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CHAPTER
7 "The Scene of the Crime—
Your Place or Mine
CHAPTER
12 "The Rites (and Wrongs)
of Spoiling
Question:
Your bouncing baby granddaughter is 30-hours old and you've spent
24 of them at the hospital. Finally, like zombies, you and Grammy come
home and fall asleep. Your son then calls to wake you after midnight with
his fourth mommy-baby update. Should you?
(a) Rip the phone cord out of the wall
(b) Say, One more call and I get a 50% rebate on your college education
payable in 96 monthly installments starting tomorrow."
(c) Slip the phone to Nana, murmuring, "Your son's a nutcase."
(d) Notify the phone company of your son's number; tell them there is
a persistent obscene caller harassing you
The answer is... (b). Answer (a) is violent and destructive, a bad choice no matter how tired you are. Choosing (c) is a classic case of passing the buck. What would Harry Truman say? (d) could be fun, stirring up a little inconvenience and embarrassment for your inconsiderate offspring. But when the day is done, (b) is the way to put real fear in his heart.
Question:
Six
weeks after his birth, you fly across the country to see your new grandson.
You look down at him peacefully asleep in the bassinet. Suddenly, his
eyes open wide, he looks at you, breaks out in a horrifying rash and starts
screaming. Should you?
(a) Make a noose with your necktie, look for an oak tree
(b) As your daughter picks up his quivering, squalling body, blubber,
"As Boom-Pa, I'm a total failure."
(c) Take a cab back to the airport—your trip is ruined
(d) Wear some earplugs and sleep well. In the morning, shower, shave,
then remember not to splash on half a bottle of cologne before you visit
with Baby again
The answer is... (d), without a doubt. If only being a granddad were as everyday-easy as this question. Many grandparents live painfully far away from their grandkids. Visits don't always proceed smoothly with infants, especially those under, say, 6 months. So, in a similar situation, don't let the suicidal thoughts of (a), (b) and (c) get the best of you. Parenting and Grandparenting beget good days and bad days. Slog through the bad and bask in the good.
Question:
Rooming
with a mob of relatives at your son-in-law's, you know your five-day-old
grandlass should be the center of attention. But on her third night home
from the hospital, a violent fight erupts in the family room over the
big-screen television. Should you?
(a) Call for an ambulance
(b) Hop on the coffee table and roar, "My God, people! This is a
family room!"
(c) Beat your son-in-law's brother over the head with the remote control
(d) Slip out the back door and head for Clancy's Tavern
The answer is... again, (d). Avoiding the conflict is a mature action, demonstrating your legendary paternal wisdom. Sure, your son-in-law's selfish brother deserves to have some sense knocked into him, but his side of the family needs to take care of that chore—not you. Among the first two choices, (a) is gross over-reacting certain to make you look foolish when the medical team arrives. (b) might sound like a take-charge remedy, but it puts you in harm's way, plus scuffing the furniture will only get you criticism. Besides, at the local pub, the atmosphere is so much friendlier, with nary a critic in sight.
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