"The Guide for Fun-Loving Granddads"

Question:
All day Saturday you and your toddler grandbaby enjoy each other's company, just the two of you. Everything's fine till your daughter comes at 5:00 p.m. to get her. That's when the little girl screams at her mom, crying repeatedly, "Me no go! Me stay with Boppy! Me no go! Me stay with Boppy!" Should you?
(a) Brag to your daughter, "When it comes to the baby- sitting totem pole, "Boppy's" going straight to the top! Crown me King of the World!"
(b) Remember not to mention the big tray of chocolate chip cookies you just finished sharing
(c) Tell your daughter to try again on Tuesday
(d) Take your grandchild by the hand, saying, "You must go home now, sweetheart, it's Boppy's poker night and Fred has your spot at the table."

The answer is... (d). You might be pumped up after one good outing, but babysitting braggarts are boors. No need to shout about it (a) when things go great—next time could be a disaster. Choosing (b) is smart in its own way, but it fails to address your granddaughter's crying. (c)? The two of you may have had some nice moments together today, but Tuesday's an eternity away in child care time. (d) is the right pick because Fred and the boys (and their cigars) don't mix well with toddlers (even if the boys do like crazy eights as much as poker).

Question:
With the help of a six-speaker stereo system, you and your four-year-old grandson perform a rousing song & dance routine from a famous movie musical. During an interlude, your crabby neighbor Hal calls to complain. Should you?
(a) Tell Hal to stuff a sock in his ear
(b) Tell your grandson the fun's over cause you're a wimp
(c) Tell Hal he can do a cool solo if he cares to join you
(d) Call the phone company and tell them some tin- eared, jackass neighbor named Hal keeps harassing you with obscene phone calls

The answer is... (c). You could choose (a), but it's an empty threat unlikely to untrack Hal, a dedicated curmudgeon everyone in the neighborhood dreads. What type of example would (b) set? Not a very manly one. Another neighbor tried (d) before and Hal sued him for damages. No good. Not only is (c) a neighborly gesture, it teaches your grandson that sharing is nice, and Hal would have the time of his life if only he would accept.

Question:
Grammy peers over your shoulder, watching you change your granddaughter's diaper. First, your hand slips and you're knuckle-deep in poop. Then, before you can make a deposit in the diaper pail, your carefully positioned resealable tapes fly apart, the diaper flips and lands on the carpet, poop side down. Should you?
(a) Flee the scene tearfully a la Dr. Evil's son Scott in the final scenes of Austin Power's Goldmember
(b) Shout, "FUMBLE!" and fall on the diaper chest first
(c) Explain to Grammy that you'll be right back after you puke, wash up and call the carpet cleaners
(d) Explain to Grammy that having an audience while you diaper-change is like "first-tee" jitters in golf... when people watch you sometimes lose your balls

The answer is... Again, (c). The cowardly, girlish behavior represented in (a) is no option for a confident patriarch, even when you're not feeling especially confident. (b) is a terrific action-oriented move for football or rugby, but diapering is different. Answer (d) reveals far too much regarding your golfing neuroses— better keep those inner demons quiet in the nursery. Correctly, (c) is an honest reaction to a disgusting mess, employs teamwork, plus has you delegating beautifully.

The answer is... (b). Answer (a) promotes more cruelty to animals, not a great idea even if the chihuahua is a little yapper like the poodle. (c) sounds like cruelty to grandsons, and it ignores the fact that spanking, more or less, is a relic of the 20th century. (d) carries (b) to the power of 10—much too complicated and costly

Question:
Nana has an important luncheon so you're sitting your ten-month-old grandbaby. Baby eats happily in her high chair as you take a three-minute bathroom break. Upon return, you find your granddaughter on the floor eating bugs. Should you?
(a) Catch a few for the blender and make her a nice dessert smoothie
(b) Perform a cockroach-style Heimlich maneuver
(c) Remember to tell Nana your granddaughter's diet is nutritionally well-rounded beyond her dreams
(d) Remember to buckle the safety straps next time

The answer is... (d). A free kick at an open goal for your last question! Only two logical picks here, (c) and (d). (c) makes a lackluster mental note, but accomplishes little. Initiating (d) eliminates bug-eating encores for sure. Meanwhile, (a) is a truly disgusting, bizarre culinary concept and (b) is totally uncalled for since insects usually slide down a child's esophagus with ease.

END OF TEST

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CHAPTER 3 "Birth...The Grandest
Event Ever

CHAPTER 12 "The Rites (and Wrongs)
of Spoiling

Question:
His mother ordered you never to corrupt the mind of your two- year-old grandson with even one-minute of TV. Unfortunately, she walks in early one afternoon and catches you both watching The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. Should you?
(a) Ask your daughter-in-law if she likes documentaries
(b) Snap your heels together, salute and cry, "Sieg Heil, mein fraulein! The Russian Campaign goes badly..."
(c) Demonstrate how her son has learned to goose step
(d) Yell, "TV stinks!" and throw your boot at the screen

The answer is... (a). Military history is fascinating to most men (and boys), but the chances of your daughter-in-law enjoying it too are slim to none. Consequently, she would find your impersonation of a German officer (b) bizarre at best, frightening at worst. You would also scare her with choices (c) and (d), which leaves (a) as a lame but logical selection.

Question:
Your grandlass is kindergarten age. In charge of her care for the weekend, you rent a rowboat and go lake-fishing. Anchored less than ten minutes, your pupil rips off her life vest and lurches forward, teetering on the gunwale. Should you?
(a) Howl, "Man overboard!"
(b) Capture her with your jumbo fishing net before she falls in
(c) Dive in and save her before the giant piranha attack
(d) Throw a carton of worms at your grandgirl, imploring her to "feed the fishies" while she learns to swim

The answer is... (b). Answer (a) smells of panic plus it ignores your granddaughter's gender. You can do better. (c) carries panic (and unreasonable fear) to new depths. (d) is plausible because it links education with a clever 'nature lesson,' but she'd learn to dog paddle faster (and safer) at the shallow end of a wormless pool. An easy choice, (b) blends preparation and prevention with a rapid response—an unbeatable combination from a grandfather fisherman who really knows his minnows.

Question:
Two grandpas stand in the den holding hands with their grandson. Suddenly he lets go of your grip, hugs his other grandfather and blurts, "I wuv you babysit me MOST, Grampee!" Should you?
(a) Openly beg, "You don't mean that, you little monkey!"
(b) Brandish your fists in front of greedy Grampee's face, then challenge him to mortal combat
(c) Whisper in your grandson's ear, "Take a whiff—that old geezer always smells like wet fur..."
(d) Dangle a chocolate bar in front of the lad, slowly back pedaling till you're certain he's following you

The answer is... (d). Spoiling grandkids with sugary treats is dangerous business, but this business of granddad favoritism calls for swift action. Of course, action should always stop short of physical violence, nixing (b) as an option. (a) and (c) both are weak, fruitless attempts to persuade little ears which rarely listen.

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