We
named it the "Put Dat" drill, because fathers spend so much time saying
to their toddlers, "Put dat down!" and "Put dat away!" and especially,
"Don't put dat in your mouth!"
Give each of these ten drills your full intelligence as you prepare for
a special breed of toddler-disaster soon to plague your glitch-free, happy-go-lucky
lifestyle. Don't be a baby. Put your hard-hat on and dig in...
Uh-Oh 1... You should assume everything is going
dandy when, with his back to you, your 20-month son plays quietly in the
corner with a tennis ball while you linger over the automobile classifieds.
True or False?
Answer—False. No child at this age sits still that long unless you're
reading the Weekly Neighbor with a single page of car ads. He may have
been kidnapped and replaced with a blow-up doll, or he may be overcome
by dog germs from the tennis ball. Check him out—quickly!
Uh-Oh
2 ... The first time your wife comes home with a size 2T polo shirt
from Macy's, you'll know your son is a bona fide toddler—a true disaster
waiting to happen. True or False?
Answer—False. Toddlers don't wait for parents' approval or involvement
o turn overnight from sweet babies to evil little humans. Beware and be
ready.
Uh-Oh
3 ... You should be careful—and expect anything—when you invite
over important people, like your boss, to meet your lovely 30-month-old
daughter. True or False?
Answer—True. After Mr. Brice leans down and your charming toddler
gives him a peck on the cheek, you might fool yourself into thinking your
dreams about a smooth greeting have come true. Then when he's leaving
and walking out the door you'll hear, "Daddy, dat your Doo-Doo Head boss?
Doo-Doo Head go now? Bye, Doo-Doo Head!"
Uh-Oh
4 ... Every time your wife is at a sales seminar or other business
function you should make it a point to ring her cel phone on the quarter-hour
to tell her how much you love caring for your precious toddler. True or
False?
Answer—False. Do you want her to call you when you escape to the
golf course? Are you a moron? Besides, you need to save your lies for
more important situations.
Uh-Oh
5 ... In nice weather you've discovered your 25-month-old son will
spend hours in the sandbox playing happily. The best way to share his
joy is to join him. True or False?
Answer: False. With toddlers, it's always wise to remember the saying,
"Let Sleeping Dogs Lie." So if they're happy, don't wake them from this
random moment of bliss. Besides, if he thinks you're trying to share something
other than his joy—like his bucket, for example— he'll probably stab you
in the toe with his shovel.
Uh-Oh
10 ... You
round the corner and spy your 18-month-old daughter crouched over the
coffee table happily licking her just-completed finger painting like it's
an ice cream cone. Your first (and proper) reaction is to snatch the painting
away and call 911. True or False?
Answer—True. But like so many things in life, your first reaction
is, unfortunately, over-reaction. Instead, since you've been intelligent
enough to insist on non-toxic paints ahead of time, you should compliment
her work by tasting it yourself, remarking on how much you've always wanted
a turquoise tongue.
Good job! How you scored doesn't really matter, but you might want to
glance at the following chart to see how rank you are... no, I mean how
you rank compared to your peers. Total your correct responses and find
your corresponding status as a toddler-disaster expert.
OFFICIAL P.U.T./D.A.T.
RATINGS
Score.................Official Rating
10............................SUPERMAN
9....................... Master of Disaster
8..................... S.W.A.T. Team Lieutenant
7 .......................Civil Defense Coordinator
6 ........................Bomb Squad Supervisor
5 ...........................E.R. Technician
4 ........................Unemployed Paramedic
3 .......................... Ambulance Chaser
2 .............................Lost at Sea
1 ........................Captain of the Titanic
0 ...........................CRASH DUMMY
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Keeping Your Toddler on Track Till Mommy Gets Back: The Toddler Survival Guide for 21st-Century Dads
Uh-Oh
6 ... As
a loving father, you're simply desperate to teach your toddler-daughter
how to share. That's why you should offer her your La-Z-Boy recliner,
your bowling ball and a box of premium cigars, then take her for a rockin',
rollin', smokin' good time on the riding mower. True or False?
Answer—True. If you can't swing a night out with the guys at the
Brunswick Lanes, this could be the next best thing. Of course, your wife
might start proceedings to have you put away. But you and your daughter
will have loads of fun—and share some wacky memories in the meantime.
Just keep the cigar smoke and exhaust fumes to a minimum.
Uh-Oh 7... You're tuckered out at the end of a long
weekend with your wife away on business—you just want to finish the Sunday
sports section. This is the perfect time to let Todd, almost three, stretch
his legs (and independence) by walking the dog alone in the park. True
or False?
Answer—True. for Toy Poodle, Chihuahua, Pekingese or Terrier. False
for Great Dane, Chow, Wolfhound or Labrador. But if you really want to
make Todd feel like a big boy, how about hopping in his little red wagon
and having him pull you around the park while you catch up on the hockey
news?
Uh-Oh 8 ...
You smell a rat when your 34-month-old sweetie-pie giggles,
tugs at your sleeve and requests a different bedtime story, after she's
demanded the same Mother Goose tale 34 nights in a row. Based on your
intuition, you should ask her why she's changed her mind. True or False?
Answer—False. This one's simple. You should know by now, for heaven's
sake, that you NEVER ask a female why she's changed her mind. That's her
business. And what makes you think you have intuition? Speaking of business,
that's most likely a big B.M. you smell in her underpants, not a rat.
Uh-Oh
9 ...Your 26-month-old future gentleman is having a fun afternoon
jumping on the couch when your wife walks in and says, "Say, Jack,
is this what you call productive time?" You put down your magazine,
and smile. "You're right, dearest. I should be setting a better example."
At this juncture, you should take a moment to instruct Jack Jr. on proper
jumping technique, then join him. True or False?
Answer—True. Your wife will be horrified and think about every moment
she's put you in charge of Jack, the two of you alone, over the past three
months. She will instantly (and permanently) reduce the length of her
shopping trips by 64%.
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