Sink
your teeth into a challenge that gets straight to the meat of the problem.
What's the point in sugar-coating it? Every feeding frenzy contains multiple
opportunities for disaster. That's why we cooked up a multiple choice
examination of your toddler-keyed intestinal fortitude.
Speaking of toddlers, you'll note that Dad's Bad Day at the Toddler
Cafe is an oral exam. That means you can read it out loud if you like.
Just don't read the answers out loud before you read the questions. That
would be cheating, and cheaters get no dessert.
So saddle up to the chuck wagon and take your chances, pardner. Then look
for your official culinary degree at the conclusion of the test.
DAD'S
BAD DAY AT THE
TODDLER CAFE ORAL EXAM
Question:
Instead
of sharing with his four-year-old sister when asked, your 28-month son
tries to shove a chocolate chip cookie in her ear. Should you?
(a)
Reserve a spot for him in medical school...ear, nose and throat specialty
(b) Ask your daughter if she'd like an in-ear Oreo instead
(c) Tell him sternly, "That's a crumby thing to do," then crumble the
cookie over his head and say, "See what I mean?"
(d) Ignore the incident completely
The
answer is...Naturally, (d). In the daily tug of war known as sibling rivalry,
this is your basic non-event. Make a big deal out of it and you're certain
to see more of the very same action. With (a), you narrow his choice just
a tad early. I mean, who knows, gynecology might be his thing. You already
know your daughter (b) loves Oreos, so why ask? Don't think about (c)
unless you enjoy the extra time and labor involved in washing his hair
for the third time in eight hours.
Question:
Your wife leaves instructions for you to feed your sweet toddlerette
specially prepared squares of buttered toast. You serve up a generous
portion. After going to the bathroom, you return to find Kitty on the
table, hunched over the plate, sharing the treat. Should you?
(a) Whack the cat over the head with a broom
(b) Tell your daughter she should include you the next time she puts together
a guest list
(c) Tell the cat his big brother the St. Bernard is looking for him
(d) Invite your St. Bernard in to enjoy breakfast with the three of you,
then quickly demonstrate for your little girl the concept of family sharing.
(CAUTION: If the dog growls, you'd best let him have the big pieces.)
The answer is...Again, (d). Think of the potential vet bills caused by
(a); and if you do this, your wife might have you locked in a cage at
The Humane Society. Opposite of (a)'s completely negative outcome, (c)
will beget NO reaction at all. Of course the St. Bernard is looking for
him. You can be sure the cat knows this. You're left with (b) or (d).
The first is a sweet, but feeble request— worse still, it's abstract.
Toddlers could care less about abstract politeness. (d) demonstrates a
confident, concrete solution that makes everybody happy. Only, you'll
have to put a second batch in the toaster before you sit down to share.
Question:
Your toddler daughter hasn't eaten vegetables in two weeks. Suddenly
she joins in begging when your beagle sits up for a biscuit. Should you?
(a) Tell her to "Speak!" then stick a string bean in her mouth
(b) Simply give her a Milk Bone and say, "Good boy!"
(c) Get the leash, slip a collar around her neck, then take her for a
walk to the market for fresh spinach
(d) Stare at the side of her head and say, "I'm sorry, but whoever bobbed
your ears did a terrible job."
The
answer is...(a). This is an action-oriented response and solves the problem
fast. A superb father-toddler care decision! On the other hand, (b) doesn't
solve the problem, plus it's confusing gender-wise. The solution (c) is
way too complicated and might be misinterpreted along the sidewalk. Besides,
no more than 2% of the toddler population will eat fresh spinach. (d)
Your beagle might get a grin out of this commentary, but it's strictly
a dead-end.
Question:
At
breakfast, Grand Uncle Harry dines across from you and your 34-month-old
son, complaining ad nauseum about the boy's table manners. Should you?
(a) Politely request that Uncle lay off the criticism or you're going
to give him all-day potty duty
(b) Smile when Harry ignores you for the third time, then give him a good,
swift kick in the shins under the table
(c) When Harry gasps in pain say, "Little Buster's got a helluva kick
for a 3-year-old, doesn't he? Think he should play soccer?"
(d) When Harry's eyes water and he spits out his food and drops his fork
on the floor, innocently comment, "Gee, Unc, your manners aren't so perfect
either."
The answer is...You're right, it's all of the above—the most fiendishly unfair of all multiple choice answers, the kind we all hated in school. But you have to admit, it's a beautiful progression from polite request to revenge to cover-up to a point well-made. Better late than never, Uncle Harry needs to learn that toddlers and table manners just don't mix.
Question:
After
three years of eating exclusively at home, you risk a night out at a low-key
barbecue joint with your toddler. Everything goes smoothly till she rares
back and flings a beef rib at the booth across the aisle. The bone bounces
off a man's head, taking his toupee with it. Should you?
(a)
Scream, "There's a skunk loose in here!"
(b) Compliment Sarah on her lively fastball
(c) Explain to Sarah the difference between a real pitching mound and
the mound of baked beans on her plate
(d) Tell your waitress you're a health inspector and want to know why
the ceiling tiles are falling
The
answer is...That's right, follow your instincts with (a). You might consider
(b) and (c), because Little League instruction can be very rewarding for
dads, sons and daughters. Only, restrict teaching to outdoor venues, unless
you happen to be at Turner Field, sitting at a table in the Chop House.
Unless you have a state-issued photo I.D., your waitress will see right
through (d).
Scoring—Test-takers receive ten points for
each correct answer. Total the score and check your professional rating
below.
BAD
DAY AT THE TODDLER CAFE
Exam RATINGS
Score..................Official Rating
0............................Unemployed Dishwasher 10......................... Drive-Thru Dropout
20.......................... Busboy-Flunky
30..........................Microwave Assistant
40..........................Fast Food Manager
50 .........................Cordon Bleu Graduate
60..............................Iron Chef
70......................... Respected Restaurateur
80............................FOOD TV IDOL
$13.75
Purchase with your
credit card via PayPal's
secure site
Buy from Barnes & Noble if you prefer...
Keeping Your Toddler on Track Till Mommy Gets Back: The Toddler Survival Guide for 21st-Century Dads
Question:
It's lunchtime. You're enjoying a cup of coffee at the table next
to your hardy-eating two-and-a-half-year-old. The pleasant mood is shattered
when she plops a glob of macaroni & cheese in your cup, splashing hot
java on the table and in your face. Should you?
(a) Scream in pain
(b) Blink and smile, knowing the superficial burns on your nose will heal
quickly
(c) Paste a blue ribbon on her forehead for Best New Pasta Recipe of the
Year
(d) Shout, "Yum Yum!" and gobble up the glob you fished out with your
fingers
The answer is...(c). For a tough, father-figure type, (a) is very weak—unacceptable.
(b) indicates approval for bad behavior, no good. (c) is a wonderfully
positive reaction which could lead your daughter into a lucrative culinary
arts career. (d) is fine too, setting an excellent example on how to enjoy
finger foods, but (c) is more creative and progressive in the long run.
Question:
Against
your will, you react to your son's spraying half-masticated green peas
on you by upturning a bowl of Jello on his head. At that moment, your
wife walks in. Should you?
(a) Say, "Jimmy! What a funny new hat you have!"
(b) Grab the bowl, put it on your head, then make a clown face at your
spouse
(c) Slobber at her feet and beg for forgiveness
(d) Spoon up portions of Jello from Jimmy's hair to his mouth, making
"Mmmm...mmmm" sounds
The answer is (b). You cant fool your wife with (a), forget about it.
(c)? Where's your pride, for heaven's sake. (d)? Uh, not quite. She'll
give you the same response as (a). Admittedly, (b) is an imperfect choice
in an embarrassing moment, but it might get a quick laugh and lessen your
punishment, perhaps a tiny notch or two.
Question:
Your
beautiful Trish won't eat her sauteed carrots for the fourth straight
weekend. Should you?
(a)
Grab a pair of antique rabbit ears from the basement TV, then perform
a bizarre impression of Bugs Bunny to take her mind off how bad they taste
(b) Let the hamster loose on Trish's plate
(c) Tell Trish you hate carrots too, then dump them in the disposal (d)
Buzz her high-chair with a carrot-filled spoon, calling "Open the
hangar, Carrot Concorde's landing!"
The
answer is...(c). You might poke yourself or Trish in the eye with (a),
too risky and ironic when it comes to carrots. Avoid (b). Who needs greasy,
orange-colored rodents running around? Your daughter knows (d) is a toddler-feeding
cliche if she ever heard one—too crude for her sophisticated taste.
Ah, (c)! Sweet revenge for all the times your mother tried to make you
eat rabbit food.
all rights reserved
