Are you a true Super Poop-Man? How do you rank when things get truly rank? When the commode stops up and overflows from a mountainous load of stool-packed cloth training pants. When the foul odor makes you alter the pleasant French eau de toilette to Oh! The Toilet! When mounds of what you thought (at first glance) was chunky peanut butter smeared along the hallway baseboard turn out to be something slightly darker and less pleasant to the touch.
Are you mommy-enough to take decisive action when the you-know-what hits the fan during your toddler's upcoming weekend poopathon? Do you have the maternal know-how when the bottom falls out of your no-hassle, Saturday afternoon poop plan? Are you armed with the latest techniques all the female troops employ on poop patrol? Can you name every popular brand of cleanser you'll need the next time you're ankle-deep in diarrhea?
Whether you answered yes or no to the preceding questions, it's time to step up to the potty and test your poop wits. You need to know exactly how you compare in all things toddler-derriere. Will you stand or fold the next time your face-to-face with a royal flush? In the midst of a public pooping crisis, how does your decision-making stack up against your papa peers?
In the upcoming exam, you'll have every chance to demonstrate your superior potty intellect. For the first time ever in a Clearing Skies Press multiple choice test, you will have two bonus questions in order to boost your score.
It's your chance to climb up from the dung heap of toddler-care mediocrity and bowl your wife over with your Grade A poop knowledge. Once and for all, when she sees your test score, you'll prove to her how much crap you really have on your mind.
THE
FULL LOAD PAPPY-POOPY PROBE INTERNAL EXAMINATION
Question:
Your
sweet 23-month-old daughter, sitting behind you in the grocery cart, takes
off her soiled diaper and throws it on top of the ice cream cartons in
the frozen food section. Should you?
(a)
Say, "That's a sh_tty thing to do!"
(b) Say, "Beverly, is that a hint that you'd like chocolate instead of
vanilla?"
(c) Say, "Bev, sit your naked butt back down in the cart!"
(d) Place the inflatable toilet seat you carried in your day pack over
the grocery cart seat, let her limbs dangle through the leg holes and
say, "Go, Baby, Go!"
The answer is...(b). While (a) is a natural response, it's profane and solves nothing...unworthy of a talented toilet trainer like you. You could use (c) to back up (a), but your job's to teach Beverly about the potty, and this command has no instructional value. Nice try with (d), but it's like striking out on a high fastball. You're way late, baby. With (b) you're making a casual mental note about Beverly's signs of readiness for potty learning, plus you're gaining on tomorrow's lunch menu—a bonus.
Question:
Your semi-trained son is prancing around the kitchen bare-chested,
looking like an alien with a colander on his head and a load of poop jiggling
in his training pants. Should you?
(a)
Scream, "You STINK as an entertainer!"
(b) Tell him there is positively no exotic dancing allowed in your community,
by order of the city council
(c) Tuck a dollar in his pants and applaud his showmanship
(d) Hand him wipes and a fresh pair of undies, commenting, "I like the
inter-galactic look, but everyone on this planet uses the potty. Once
you finish cleaning up, you'll understand why."
The answer is...(d). Once again, (a) is honest, but it's negative and could talk your son out of a rewarding stage career. Why do it? (b) is over his head while (c) may encourage his pursuit of an unsavory stage career. (d) is a pure power-flush, teaching fitting-in, self-reliance and work ethic, all rolled into one.
Question:
In front of a room full of visiting relatives, your sonny-buck
saunters over, pulls down his training pants and pees on the ficus tree.
Should you?
(a)
Applaud him for noticing the parched houseplant
(b) Comment on the excellent power of his stream
(c) Pass around the pitcher of lemonade, asking politely "Would you care
for a refill?"
(d) Brag to the crowd, "Ain't he a natural? Wait till you see him do Number
Two!"
The answer is...(c). You know Mommy struggles to keep her favorite houseplants alive, so (a) is nice, except there's way too much acidity in urine for the good of the plant. Sorry. (b) indicates a touch of envy considering your aging prostate—better keep it to yourself. (c) is polite and glosses over the incident, a good choice. But if your guests look suspiciously at the pitcher's contents, you might have to look for another solution. (d) is crude and might scare your company, plus remember, bragging is only permitted as potty praise between you and your son.
Question:
You watch amused as your sweet toddlerette follows the boxer into
the master bathroom—imitating him—then you watch horrified as she pushes
him out of the way and starts to lap from the toilet doggy-style. Should
you?
(a)
Offer her a swim mask and snorkel
(b) Say, "Just a minute, young lady. You know we don't bob for apples
until Halloween."
Bonus
Question #1:
After
months of unsuccessful toileting, you and your toddler walk hand-in-hand
out back of your great-uncle Elmer's farmhouse. You spy the old outhouse
with the half-moon cutout and suddenly have a brilliant thought. What's
the big idea?
(a)
A unique 21st century toddler-potty solution using 19th century facilities
(b) Spiders, snakes, corncobs, catalogs and cobwebs— special friends and
a special atmosphere for a special, down-home poop party
(c) Permanently redefining the word "stench" in your toddler-potty vocabulary
(d) Making your son understand, once and for all, that it's a rotten idea
to hate his potty—it isn't half as bad as he thought
The answer is...(d). Let him swivel the wooden door latch and poke his head inside one time. He'll get the message! On the other hand, (a), you can't really use the outhouse—your wife would kill you. (Even though he was potty-trained there, Uncle Elmer doesn't even use the outhouse anymore unless Aunt Maggie's using the indoor plumbing. Plus, he orders everything on the Internet these days and hasn't owned a Sears catalog for years.) No way for (b), if Mommy won't accept (a). Answer (c) might wield psychological power as a lead-in for (d), but you still wind up with (d), regardless..
Bonus
Question #2:
On
Mommy's orders, after months of frustration and failure, you put the potty
on the lawn and let your 37-month-old sweetie have a fun afternoon frolicking
buck-naked in your fenced backyard. Around 4:00 p.m. your beagle heists
his leg and pees on a tree, prompting your daughter to plop down on her
potty and do the same. At this moment, your widow-neighbor Mrs. Pearson
peeks over the fence and gasps. Should you?
(a)
Say, cordially, "Hi, there, neighbor. It's clothing- optional on this
side of the fence—care to join us?"
(b) Say, firmly, "This potty-party is invitation-only. Butt out, you old
goat!"
(c) Say, sarcastically, "Hey, Peeping-Tom Pearson—buy a ticket and stick
around. The dog and I go together in Act II."
(d) Ignore Mrs. Pearson and rave to the world, "Yiiiiiiiiiiii-pee...sweet
deliverance!"
The
answer is...Again, (d). Another free kick and empty net for you gentlemen
to take advantage of..."Pop" quiz scoring has never been easier. With
any luck, a correct response here will lift you off the cow pie pile.
Let's review the choices. (a)? Toss this answer quick unless you want
to see your elderly neighbor hopping around nude on your lawn. (b) Turns
a gracious invitation into a hostile non-invitation. For what? With a
sense of showmanship, you could pretend you're P.T. Barnum and let it
all hang out by choosing (c)—but Pearson might call the police, spoiling
your performance. (d) indicates total devotion to the potty experience,
and remember, you get to proudly show your wife the contents afterward.
Ain't life beautiful?
Scoring—Test-takers receive ten points for
each correct answer. Total the score and check your lifetime occupational
assignment below.
THE
FULL LOAD PAPPY-POOPY PROBE
Official Score and Occupation
Score........Official Poop Industry Occupation
0............................Maggot
10......................... Cowpie
20......................... Sewer Rat
30..........................Bathroom Attendant
40..........................Outhouse Technician
50
.......................Port-a-John Apprentice
60..........................Cesspool Inspector
70......................... Janitor
80..........................Ex-Lax(r) Executive
90..........................Ty-D-Bol(r) Inventor
100........................ACE PLUMBER
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Uncle Elmer's Special Potty
(c)
Slap the boxer on the butt, then tell him he's a wimp for giving up his
turf to the toddler
(d) Re-install the toilet lid latch which you removed just two days ago
for toddler toilet training
The
answer is...(b). Gotcha! If you're like me, you're proud of being a man
with a logical brain. So you selected (d). Well, let this be a lesson
to you. There's very little logic involved with toddlers and parenting.
(a)? Just a tad irresponsible, don't you think? Answer (c) accomplishes
nothing. Give your boxer some credit. Even with bobbed ears and tail,
he knows how much it hurts when a mad toddler yanks on them. Here's the
poop-scoop on (d)... you can't risk latches on toilet lids 'cause there's
no time to spare—when the toddler's gotta go, she's gotta go. Not
only does (b) stop her; it makes her laugh and preserves the traditions
of an important holiday.
Question:
Tragically,
rushing to pull his pants down and sit him on the potty, you tip your
son over on his elbows, butt pointed in the air, and he then sprays you
in the face with poop. Should you?
(a)
Shriek hysterically, "Chunky mudpies—me want more!"
(b) Pass out
(c) Wail out the window, "Somebody call the Red Cross!"
(d) Stick your head in the big toilet and flush, repeatedly
The answer is...(d). Well, if you missed this one, you deserve your fate in the cruel rating system waiting for you at the end of the test. They don't get any easier. What's up with (a)? There's a response that could only be called scary. (b) means total abandonment of your faculties and fatherly duties—no dice. (c) is the wrong organization. You need the International Plumbers Union, IPU for short. (d) Ah, yes. Immediate action that's instinctive, masculine and creative. The perfect rapid-fire solution to a rapid-fire problem!
Question:
Frozen
like a statue on top of her toy chest, your daughter grunts loudly as
you watch her fill her drawers. Noticing you, she says sternly, "Don't
look, Da-Da. Don't look!" Should you?
(a)
Leap on the box beside her, barking, "I'm the original Poop-Meister,
who do you think you're toying with?"
(b) Reply, "Whatever you say, you crazy poo-poo-in-the-pants kid." (c)
Reply, "But if I can't look, can I at least smell?"
(d) Bring in a kitchen bowl and soup ladle, announcing, "Okay, gal—time
for lunch! Let's scoop & serve those chocolate mashed potatoes you keep
requesting."
The answer is...(a). Okay, this type of setback is tough to take, I know. But you have to stay strong. (b) is pure capitulation, a sad choice. (c) borders on bizarre, good for masochists, maybe. (d) blends sickening and bizarre, a disgusting idea at best. (a) projects a confident, uniquely paternal response. Plus, you're applying your super-hero tendencies to potty-training. Excellent!
Question:
Your
42-month-old darling son is the last diaper-wearer left in his day care
class. One weekend your Aunt Bernice is visiting the two of you. Suddenly,
she pinches her nose and exclaims, "Peeeeeee-Youuuuuu. Don't tell me you
still let this kid crap in his pants!" What should you do?
(a)
Tell Auntie, "That's about enough of your bullcrap."
(b) Tell Auntie, "If you got a brilliant idea from the ancient annals
of toddler-anal training, let me know."
(c) Say, "Quit your complaining and get some room fragrance over
here—can't you see we're suffocating?"
(d) Walk out the front door, remarking, "Well, he's your grand nephew,
Bernie—this is your big chance to put your poop prescription where your
know-it-all mouth is."
The answer is (c). If you can steel yourself and avoid yielding to answer (d) (a just and terrible temptation), then your choices are clear-cut. (a) is insulting to an aunt you've always regarded with affection; (b) takes (a)'s needless insult a step further. That leaves (c), not a perfect choice, but no one ever said poopy-training is perfect (or even bearable, as opposed to bare-able).
Question:
You're
in your neighborhood public library holding your toddler's hand, patiently
waiting in line to check out books. You smell something, look down and
see a dark glob sliding down your daughter's ankle, engulfing the top
of her tennis shoe. Should you?
(a) Pick her up and fly to the rest room
(b) Forget the rest room; pull the fire alarm instead
(c) Stick to your plan and calmly check out your books
d) Stick the glob under the bottom of her shoe and complain bitterly to
the librarian, "Someone must enforce the no-dog policy in here."
The answer is...Again, (c). Another easy one—hope you made it count. Imagine legs dangling, slashing through the narrow stacks in (a), splattering the fiction section with feces—not a real-world option. (b) calls for violating the law and adding panic to the poop, not a good mix. Unless you can whip out a super-size wipe and practice sleight-of-hand like a magician, nobody's buying (d). You might find (c) boring at first glance, but it's sneaky-smart and may get you to the head of the line quickly once the poop-news starts spreading and people start dropping out of line like flies.
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